The Mirkwood Invasion
by Avalon Estel
Summary: The hobbits decide to take over Mirkwood. Madness ensues. [One-shot: COMPLETE]


Disclaimer: Anything that ever belonged to Tolkien doesn't belong to me...even though he's DEAD!

Real Disclaimer: "The Lord of the Rings" series, characters, and all other related indicia are © J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Productions.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my stories! I'm really sorry that I haven't updated any of my other stories, but I've been incredibly busy with stuff, and unable to. This story was a "just-for-fun" one-shot that my sisters and I came up with on a night containing sugar-highs and sleep deprivation. This is my first ever one-shot, so please be kind with your reviews. But beware – it is utterly insane and nonsensical. You have been warned.

* * *

The Mirkwood Invasion

During their stay in Rivendell, while waiting for the Council of Elrond to begin, the hobbits became bored. They wentout seekingideas, and Frodo decided to take Sauron's example. But first, they needed directions.

They went to theLady Evenstar for guidance.

"Lady, we're bored, and we want to take over Mirkwood Forest. Can you tell us how to get there?" they asked.

"Oh, sure," Arwen said, looking thoughtful. "I think it's...that way," she said, pointing toward Mount Doom. "Just follow the dark clouds."

The hobbits then raced off to the West.

"Where are you going?" Arwen called after them.

"Reinforcements!" shouted Frodo.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Mordor, Sauron's fiery eye was closed in slumber. Even Dark Lords need rest sometimes, you know. Two orcs stood around the mouth of Mount Doom, fishing around in the lava with extremely long nets.

"I hate this job," one of the orcs grumbled.

"I don't know how we ended up being the janitors. How come Wormtongue or Saruman can't fish out the dolts who fall in here?" asked the other.

The first orc pulled out the lava-hardened body of an orc and said, "But you know, even though they're dolts, I always feel bad for them. They shouldn't have to die like that."

"You feel bad for 'em, eh?" the second orc asked.

The first nodded. The second orc pulled out his net, swung it around full force, and knocked the first into Mount Doom.

"Hey! What was that for?" the first orc asked. Then, he realized that he was wading around in lava. "Oooh, HOT!"

* * *

Now, we'll return to Lord Sauron. Or rather, his eye. An annoying buzzing noise invaded his sleep, and his eye flew open. His nonexistent hand lifted a walkie-talkie (the buzzing device), and he shouted angrily into it, "What do you want?"

"Oh, sorry to interrupt your nap, sir," came the very nasal voice of Sauron's top-ranking orc. "I just wanted to tell you that we lost another janitor down here. I need a new one."

"Just choose any one of those stupid orcs we've got lying about!" Sauron shouted.

"Of course, sir. And also – OH, MY GOODNESS!" the nasal-voiced orc screamed. "Sir, there's an army of hobbits coming towards us!"

Sauron sighed. "They weren't supposed to be here until at least next month. What are they doing?"

At that moment, the hobbit army (being led by – who else? – Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry) was rushing up the side of Mount Doom. When the hobbits had gone for reinforcements, they had run all the way back to Hobbiton and had gathered every hobbit there. When they reached the mouth of Mount Doom, they jumped in, thinking it was simply a large lake that had been dyed red.

"Um, sir," the orc with the nose problem continued, "looks like they're committing suicide."

"Wow!" Sauron cried. "They're doing my job for me!" Then, he realized something. "That Baggins brat doesn't have the Ring! If he did, I'd be a pile of ashes now!"

Then, to everyone's surprise (and Sauron's immense annoyance), the hobbits began climbing right back out of the lava!

"What's going on?" bellowed Sauron.

"Hobbits will conquer Mirkwood!" the army shouted. Then, a single hobbit voice rose in protest.

"Aren't there ELVES in Mirkwood?" asked Sam.

"Yes!" everyone, including the orcs and Sauron, replied.

"Then we CAN'T attack Mirkwood!" Sam insisted. "I LIKE elves!"

"You imbeciles!" shouted Sauron. "This isn't even Mirkwood! This is Mordor!"

"Oh," Frodo said.

"Lady Arwen must have accidentally given us the wrong directions," Merry said. As one, the entire hobbit army turned and ran down the mountain.

"Thanks, Mr. Flamy-Bloodshot-Eye!" called Pippin.

"You're welcome!" called Sauron. When they'd all left, Sauron called the orc again. "Make a note on my to-do list to destroy those things. They're WAY too stupid to live."

But Frodo smiled, because now they wouldn't have any problems getting to Mordor. Unfortunately, he forgot the way by the time they returned to Rivendell.

Just goes to show, hobbits, no matter what anyone says about them, will ALWAYS be stupid creatures.

The End

Well, there it is. Hope you like. Please review. If it was too scary, blame the caffeine. And props to anyone who can guess why Frodo _didn't _have the Ring.


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